Floating With BloodStained Hands
by Kathryn M.B. Denson
Summary: The battle was hard, and someone important was left dead. But now the survivor can't even find the strength needed to forgive himself. Oneshot.


Floating With Blood-stained Hands

By Kat Yuy

Disclaimer:  I don't own Gundam Wing or any of its characters.  This was written for non-profit entertainment purposes.

Warnings:  Death, blood, and very depressing.

~*~

Floating…

Aimlessly floating.  That's what I'm doing.  The battle has worn me out.

Some perfect soldier you are.  You couldn't even save your friend!  You call yourself a Gundam pilot?!  Honestly!  You're nothing but a worthless piece of trash!

Where are those words familiar from?  Oh, yes.  Doctor J had yelled that at me right after Nazomi died.  He'd tried to apologize, but nothing worked.  I remember chanting to myself a childhood verse.  "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me!"  I used to say it defiantly whenever a bigger boy remarked about my small size, or the fact that my parents didn't love me.  They mustn't have loved me, they had said jeeringly.  They died and left me alone.

All alone…

But none of that matters now.  Zechs is dead because of me now, just like Nazomi and my parents.  And as for the one I am in love with, I'll never be able to face her again, not after what happened here.

So sorry, Relena…

I'd developed a friendship with Zechs after the Mariemaia Incident.  This was mostly because since I was Relena's new bodyguard and a Preventer, I'd be living in the same house as him and working in the same building.  Anyone who lived and worked together, we'd agreed, should at least be tolerant of each other.  So we got together every weekend and learned more about each other.  Like me, Zechs also had a strange fondness of poetry, and we both read it to intensify our emotions (if we had any at the time).  The Raven by Edgar Allan Poe to boost depression.  The Path Not Chosen by Robert Frost to help us think about the decisions we'd made—both good and bad.  We became friends so easily, even after our past rivalries…

And now he is gone…

What will Relena think of me?  She'll think I was a coward, and a ruthless criminal for watching the beam slice through the Tallgeese III.  I've let her elder brother, her only family die in a pitiful and worthless battle!  I'd watched him die, and I'd done nothing to stop it.

How could I…?

But that doesn't matter, now, either, now that I am dead…am I dead?  Well, maybe not physically, because I'm thinking that question.  Emotionally, I feel pain and loss to great to express by anything, even poetry.  

I am dead….

Duo, Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei had all stayed behind at the Preventer Headquarters.  It had been just me and Zechs out here fighting some leftover OZ soldiers.  No idea where they came from.  Zechs shouted at me to get out of here while I still could, and one of those new Mobile Dolls built with the advanced pilots' data had killed him.  And I sat there, in shock, and watched him die.

I'm…I'm a coward!

Sylvia was right about that.  Noventa…there's another thing I haven't thought about in a while.  I couldn't stand the pain of thinking about it before, that I'd been brainless enough to make a miscalculation that big that caused an innocent man to die.  Sylvia had told me I was a coward.  I didn't think as much of it then, but she was right.  I can't see why Relena tolerated my presence, not at all disgusted by it, even with my blood-stained hands.

I should never have lived…

Why am I not I dead yet?  I'm beginning to grow irritated in my anticipation.  Will death take all of this pain away?  Will I go to a new and shiny place with golden streets and angels singing and playing on harps?  Will I descend to the pits of Hell, fire and torment all around me as it was in this life?  Or will I simply…cease to exist, and will everything I know just vanish?  What will happen to my friends, to Relena, to my brothers and sisters?  Is this life a dream?  In reality, do I not even exist?  I wonder, again with annoyance, if all men think like this when the moment of death arrives.  I've read that Death stalks you and wraps an icy, black sheet of darkness around you and steals you away.  Will that happen to me?  A cloaked figure with a skeletal body and a scythe will take me away as if it were normal?

But I'm…I'm not normal…

I've never been normal.  My father used to say that the members of my family were always the odd ones.  I know for a fact that I'm intelligent, I fight well, and I'm strong.  While in a good mood, I might even go as far to say that I'm talented.  But again, none of this matters when you're on the battlefield and there's death and agony and anguish all around you.  There is no distinction between the smart and the dull-witted, the rich and the poor, the male and the female, the young and the old…nothing you've ever done…ever _been_…matters.

And I am a fool.

Yes, I'm intelligent.  A genius, maybe; Doctor J never told me my intelligence quotient.  But that just means I can learn a lot and at age eleven I could do calculus and advanced science and things like that.  Foolishness is not putting enough thought into what you're doing.  I never gave much thought that I could die on this mission, that I would also put Zechs's life into jeopardy…because we were too good of soldiers.  Nothing could ever happen to us.  Now he's dead, and I…

…I wish I died with him.

Now I'm silently awaiting my death, floating around in the heap of scrap metal that used to be my Gundam.  And I will never forgive myself.

I hear a crackling noise.  What is that?  Is this…?

The communication device came on.  "Heero?"  The most beautiful face comes on the screen.  For a moment, I think it was an angel come to take me away.  But then I realize who it is.  An angel, yes, but not an angel of death.  The one person who cares about me, who I've now betrayed in my cowardice.

"…Relena…"  My voice is dry and cracked.  I'm dehydrated, I think.  If I'm going to live I need food and water…but I'm not gonna live.  I don't want to…but I must try to be strong in front of her…try to be like her.

Relena's violet eyes are now staring at me, wide and frightened.  I must look like a mess to her.  I can feel the blood on my face has dried.  My lip is still throbbing, and the wound in my arm cut down the the bone.  There are various other wounds on my body, but I haven't been able to count them all.  Beyond all of that, I have been waiting here for a while…perhaps even a whole day.

"Heero, are you…no, you're not okay.  I can see that.  Sally's back here.  Hold on, we'll get you on the ship and get you medical help!"

She frantically waves at some people controlling the ship.  She turns back at me.  "When you get here…is there…anything else I can get you?"

To that I have no reply.  There is no treatment for this.

"Zechs is dead."  She can see now that I'm defeated.  "I'm sorry…"

Tears slowly drift down her face.  She smiles bitterly, closes her eyes, and shakes her head.  "No, Heero…" she whispers. "…_I'm_ sorry.  Just…please…promise me you'll make it outta this one alive…"

I close my eyes.  No.  I will not die.  I'll live for her.  I'll protect her.  "I…promise…and from now on…I'll always be there for you when you need me…"  I'm not dying, I know now, but my consciousness is slipping from me.  I have it just barely in my grasp, and I'm about ready to give in to it, but there's one more point I have to get across…one I've put off for far too long.  "I love you…"

Her eyes open, blinking in surprise.  Then she manages a real smile.  "I was hoping towards that… because I love you, too."

I've finally done it.  In place of that tormenting guilt, now there is a shining glimmer of hope.  Maybe…maybe now living won't be so bad…with her by my side...  "Help me…"  And right now I slip into a peaceful sleep, trusting she'll make me feel better once I wake up.

***

Heero was now at the Preventer Headquarters recovering.  Zechs's funeral was already over, but Heero was still in a coma.  "He'll wake up in a few days," Sally assured Relena. "And I bet he's willing to get better."

Relena could only imagine the pain that Heero had had to go through…Zechs had become one of his inseparable friends, and was also her brother.  He'd be feeling guilty about that.

Looking down at his sleeping and healing form, Relena touched his face gently as he rested and kissed him gently on the lips.  She thought she saw his lips twitch in a smile for a moment, but might have imagined it.  "I'll be there for you, too."

~~Owari~~


End file.
